Where to begin?

I have suffered from Anxiety and depression off and on for the last 15 years. The last 4-6 months things have been building and I finally snapped.  I broke down, I wasn't functioning as I should any more.  My life was this cycle.

When I wasn't pretending I was OK, my poor family and husband were trying to help me.  They witnessed the break downs, melt downs and tried to support me thru it.  There was so many changes and stress that I was just not processing, I was drowning in it all.  The attacks became to frequent and irrational. I was crying and borderline hysterical at the idea of leaving my kids at school or even driving to work or to the store.  It was time to get help again.   Went into the Dr for help and tried to be as honest as possible because one of the flaws people with depression and anxiety have is that we tell everyone we're fine, it's nothing I can't handle.  We do the cycle above and 99% of the people we talk to on a daily basis have no idea.  We get quite good at hiding it and putting a good face forward and disappearing every now and then to regroup ourselves when needed.  I have an amazingly blessed life and yet my quality of life going on in my brain was not ok.  Thankfully God never left my side through it all. I can't imagine dealing with all this with out God. Cause even the things I was sharing my hubby and family, there were still things I thought I don't dare speak out loud or someone might commit me. ;-) God was there for my commitable moments.  

I always prefer not to be on meds but every now and then they are needed to regain the clarity and to start breathing again.  Now two weeks into my meds and I am feeling SO much better.  A couple days ago my meds were finally in full swing. I can think logically about my stress and address it.  I am really me again. This is more info than I ever felt I wanted anyone to know.  I've spent so many years making sure no one knows just how crazy I am but now it is all kind of unavoidable.  So I am sharing all this incase someone reading this is struggling with some of the same issues. 

So yes the running all took a break during all of this but I went for a run the other day w/ my BFF who didn't warn me we were going running.  She planned on coming up to visit me and on her way she called and said oh by the way I brought running clothes with me.  I was thinking what! WHY? Are you crazy!! I'm to crazy to run right now!!!  But it was like my meds kicked into over drive while on that run and It was the start of me feeling so much better. You can see a little poem type thing I wrote up about it (HERE).  I have a 5K this weekend the 12th and then our 10K is on the 24th of this month.  Due to my issues as of late I am started an expedited 10K training plan this week.  Hopefully y'all be hearing from me more often now that I am feeling sane again. :-)

The run I didn't know I needed.

Thank you for the run I didn't know I needed.

It was like you knew

I was feeling down and defeated

Seemed nothing was going right

I felt my sanity was gone

My dreams were falling out of sight

Going for a run was the last thing on my list

But if I tried to decline

I knew you would insist

Now this run wasn't the best

No records were set

But as I ran I felt less stress

Rolled my ankle about a mile in

Swallowing the tears

Panic started to begin

However it didn't stay

As we pressed on

I felt the panic fade away

I left it on the road

I left it in my dust

Releasing this heavy load 

This run reminded me why

I starter this journey

I'm so thankful you came by

So Thank you for the run I didn't know I needed

Reminded me that as long as we press on

We've already succeeded

Please excuse my abscence

Well hello strangers. Since the Warrior Dash I kind of jumped off the crazy train. I've been struggling w/ my anxiety and depression and not dealing with all the changes I had come my way.  So I've been out of it.  Working on me and will be back soon.

Warrior Dash 2014

Well I survived another year of the Warrior Dash. New obstacles and a new course. There were highs and lows but all and all a good day.

The before pictures are a must.

We got there and I was concerned about the big steep hills I was remembering from last year.  BFF said I bet they aren't as bad as your remember them as.  Well the hills still sucked and I did have to walk them.  Last year it had rained the day before and everything was so slick and muddy I fell several times and this year it was dry and dusty. The dust/dirt started aggravating my breathing and asthma pretty early on. My lungs & throat seemed to be on fire for the rest of the run.  I had forgotten to take my allergy meds and use my inhaler before the run.

Lets start with the highlights of the run, the obstacles!!!! I am proud to say that I did EVERY obstacle!!!  We only did 2 of the 3 mud mounds but that is because DH got a huge mud ball in his eye and contact so we spent like 10 mins trying to get it all cleaned out and put back in.

Our First Obstacle, Plugged my nose this year.

yep this mud was gross. LOL!

Going up the mud mounds

Falling down the mud mounds. LOL!

 Perhaps my biggest proud of me moment is when I conquered the wall I fell down.  I had a moment of panic when I reached the top and I looked down to see that the rope on the back side didn't have knots for my to hold on to.  I wasn't sure how to get down. The feeling of falling down this drop all came flooding back and I froze.  Our Neighbor who is one of DH's BFF's said that was the only time he saw fear in my eyes.  But I did it I got down w/o falling and was so happy I didn't chose to skip it.

Going up the wall that kicked my ass last year.

Here is that moment of Oh CRAP!

Climbing down not falling!!!!

Another highlight was the new biggest obstacle called goliath.  It was by far the most fun one. You climbed up this big cargo net then rolled across more, climbed up a wood ladder and then slide down into a huge mud puddle.

Goliath

That is my BFF making that splash. :-)

Some of the lows. They added more running somehow. I swear this had to be longer than a 5K this year. They added all these switch backs in the woods up and down hills.  Just to end up right where we started. So many hills my cardio just isn't up for that yet.  This left me very frustrated because with each hill I knew I was falling further behind my group we went with. DH stayed with me but I kept on apologizing for how slow I felt I was and every time another hill would be in my path I wanted to cry because I felt horrible that I was going so slow.

BFF pulling me up a hill

When all was said and done I told my BFF there weren't as many pictures of DH & I this year and she said well we had allot of time waiting around for you with photo ops. This confirmed just how slow I really was.  But when we'd meet up with our group I didn't stop for a break it was always keep moving forward.

My favorite pic of me from the run

And of course the after pic

I realize now that all my training wasn't enough.  I felt like I had been running at all.  I so badly wanted to feel like I owned it but I left feeling like it owned me yet again.  So now I am trying to figure out what I need to do to help my training and my cardio.  I've been running for coming up on 6 months. Not consistently but still way more than I ever have in the past. last year I hadn't ran at all before the Warrior Dash (last year's Warrior Dash blog HERE)  So it was still fun but it was allot more work than last year with allot more up and down hill portions.  Next year we hope to do the color run in the morning and then onto the Warrior Dash after that.  We have the slime run next weekend and then a break until next month.  I have to change up something and start cross training so my lungs will not be on fire and so my muscles will be strong enough to carry me faster. I guess the treadmill just doesn't cut it all the time. As the weather is coming into fall I am realizing I am probably going to have to take my training outside.

Day 10, Cleanse Done!

Well I completed it the full cleanse w/o cheating.  Total loss is the same as day 6 so I am down 5.6 lbs according to my home scale. Weight Watchers scale is about 1.4 pounds more than mine. I am going to try to get back in there on Wed to weigh in there and get going again.  The last few days have been such a roller coaster of emotions.  So much going on in our hectic little lives.  And we throw PMS on top of it all and I've been a real pleasure to be around. (please read that last sentence w/ sarcasm)

Tomorrow is the Warrior Dash and I am nervous but not as nervous as I was last year. Last year I had so much racing through my mind just about the Warrior Dash (see that blog post HERE)  It is where I fesed up and admitted that I quit almost everything I try to do. I had never ran a 5K before I hadn't trained at all.  Now I have been running for 5 months and have run a few more 5K's.  I feel a little bit more prepared but I am still not the image I had in my mind for this day.  A year ago I had this AMAZING plan. By the time I did this again I was going to be able to Kick it's ass & look smoking hot doing it.  Giving myself a year to lose the 55 lbs was totally doable. Only 1.05 lbs to lose a week and I'd hit it.  That is cutting a measly 515 calories a day and I could have done it.  This morning I was bombarded with all the reminders of every time I've tried hard lost 5 lbs and then gained the next week or lost next to nothing and then the thing that follows that is the bingeing. Then the saying I'll get back on rack but when the weight comes back on in 2 days that familiar screw this attitude sets in.  Figuring if I can eat what I want and maintain my weight I should just get happy where I am at.  But I can't be. This overweight me isn't me.  It keeps allot of me hidden away because of the way I feel about myself. I come out of my shell and am still myself so to speak around close friends and family but like I witnessed in the home movies of our last Disneyland trip, I am uncomfortable. Constantly adjusting clothing, trying to hid from the camera. I lack energy to do what I really want to do. I need to keep going. Keeping in mind that slow and steady will win this race.  All the other crap going on in life right now isn't going to stop because I am eating fattening foods or if I am eating healthy.  Life is always going to happen.  I need to find a better coping mechanism.

Day 9, almost done...

Well today the scale stayed the same again.  I haven't cheated yet but I felt like I ate to much today.  All on plan stuff but I ate when I wasn't hungry just because I wanted to snack on foods I can't have so I thought I'd snack on foods on my plan. But now the guilt sets in.  Even though I've stuck to the plan but I ate when I wasn't hungry…. Feeling frustrated but glad there is only one more day.  Hopefully my snack tonight didn't screw it all up to much.

Day 8

Day 8 done.  Only 2 more days to go and I will no longer have to say I've never completed the cleanse.    However I do think any weigh loss from it has come to a screeching halt.  I have no cheated at all and the day after I shared how much weight I loss I gained 0.8 lbs.  So not a ton but still a gain.  This morning I was down 0.6 so still haven't broken even after the gain.  So I need to remember that even though people use this to jump start weight loss, I needed to do it to kick the cravings and eating habits. Today I was so good about what I ate, I mean like ridiculously good.  We finally made spaghetti  squash spaghetti and to my surprise it was good. Like I will totally eat that again but I want it with some garlic bread.  I figured after the cleanse it would be way better to have that with garlic bread than pasta and garlic bread. And I kind of want to get a bread making machine so I can make our own bread.

Warrior Dash is in T-2days as well. Saturday we head out bright and early to get super muddy and beat up.  I looked up the obstacles and there are some new ones but some of the same ones like the wall I fell down last year.  I still would really like to complete the wall but I just don't know.

Day 7, HORRIBLE HORRIBLE DAY!!!!

What a day. Started with a weight gain, albeit small but still the scale moved up. Proving the voices in my head correct.  Then work was just awful, full of stupid people.  Add the fact that I am super anxiety girl right now. The new school year starts for my oldest tomorrow. This includes getting all the proper life saving medication and paperwork needed for the school. My sone has a severe peanut allergy and requirers an Epi pen.  My anxiety and worries about if he comes into contact w/ peanut butter while on the playground. He had a horrible habit of putting this fingers in his mouth.  Cause one of the main things at the lunch table are pb&j and the school even gives them out. So I worry ALLOT!!  Nothing happened last year and he has yet to have another incident since his first one right before the age of 2 but that was one of the worse things ever. Anyways then next week my youngest starts preschool. My baby is going to school. *tear*  He has never been able to even stay in Sunday School but he seems to be excited about school. I really hope he likes it but I am SO STRESSED about it.  So with all this what do I want to do. I want to STUFF MY FACE. Today I reached my I don't care at all if I eat and gain the whole 5 lbs of weight loss back.  I started texting DH & BFF. All caps texting about how I WANT TO QUIT!! I AM DONE!!!  Poor DH all he can say is I love you.  BFF was worried too, she then texted me later with "You aren't cheating are you?"  I did eat out twice today but stuck to the rules. Went to Taco Time and got a chicken soft taco lite in a whole wheat tortilla. We went to Red Robin for dinner and I had a teriyaki chicken burger no bun, no mayo with a side salad.  Didn't even touch one french fry.

I still can't tell you how I didn't lose it and give up cause I don't know how.  I had also texted my Mom about my frustrations today and then after work I called told her how horrible my day was and I wanted to quit and go to Cinnebar. When I go to cinnabar I normally eat: potato skins, philly cheese steak sandwich, fries and a big fat browning for dessert. My Mom's interrupting response was Sorry I can't babysit.  I had to tell her well I am not asking, just venting. At first I felt a little offended that she just assumed I was quitting but it reminded me how this is my normal cycle. My Mom can't be at fault when I've been doing this for the last 7 years. Starting and quitting with a bang binge. We are just under a week in and this is what I do.  The belief in myself isn't really there yet.  It is a battle everyday, and todays battle was epic. Tomorrow with school starting I have 3days left and I have to drink the fiber drink each of these days.  I can't stand that stuff.

Part of my frustration is I've been feeling so deprived of my favorite foods because this is a cleanse process so you have to take that all out.  Today I decided that I am going to go back to tracking points with weight watchers while I take my Advocare vitamins.  Then I feel like I am tracking what I am eating and know I am staying with in a certain boundary of calories.  I know with weight watchers it is a slower weight loss process but I'd rather not have have this urge to binge like I am having now.  That is one of my favorite things about Weight Watchers is how they train moderation. And I need help with that. But I think that this cleanse is helping with that. Hopefully tomorrow will go better than today.  I have an early start to make breakfast and get my oldest off to school, I was suppose to run today but didn't so I need to run tomorrow.  Then I have to start my new horrible shift at work. 12:30-5:30.  Everyday is like you have the day off…….just kidding.  This will work well for my child care and my kids schedules. So the misery of this shift is the price I have to pay. This is also adding anxiety.  *sigh*

Day 6, sharing a secret.

Today was not easy. We went to the river and I wanted Hotdogs, pop, chips and butter for my corn on the cob.  Today I let out the secret I've been keeping in.  As of this morning I am down 5.6 lbs so far.  I haven't been saying anything to anyone about it because I don't want to jinx it or have it come back and not be real weight loss. My BFF can't fathom why I think it'll come back but I keep on wondering how much of it was from the cleanse and fiber drink, cause that cleans things out.  But so far we are at almost a lb a day average and I have 4 more days to go.  So we will see what Friday Morning's weigh in brings. I need to decide what my next step is. Do I continue w/ the 24 day challenge and do the other 14 or do I go back to weight watchers simply filling since it is very similar to this but has some wiggle room as well?  I miss certain foods dearly, like potatoes and pop.  The Warrior Dash is this weekend and I am still wishing I was more prepared.