Long post warning....

Hello, well after all that success I had losing 7 lbs in one week using my body bug you would think that would have been the jump start I needed to keep going. But you guessed it, it wasn't.  I've gained a couple lbs back since then & haven't even tried to lose weight. I have lost all motivation for Many things.  

Life has been happening & that is not a good excuse but it is the only one I've got. Not that any excuse is valid mind you but it is the reason my brain can talk my self into eating the food I want to eat.  So I have been serious slacking my MK business & so I feel discouraged about that & frustrated that I've been in the company for over a year & half and I am not anywhere near where I wanted to be.  I was once so sure that this was my calling & God was going to use me in this position to reach women I wouldn't have met otherwise. And it would give me the opportunity to be a work from home Mom & raise my own children.  I am very thankful for the family that watches my family for the low price they do. But when the kids get to rule the house & do whatever they want even only that one day a week means we have to suffer the next day because they adjust so quickly to getting their way.  The day after is always difficult.  3 different sets of rules in our house every week is not an easy thing to understand.  So to have them on a set schedule & down to just our rules no exceptions would be amazing.

Also since the last time I wrote we went & visited my BFF in Boston.  She has been living there for 4 years and is finally moving back home in June, so it was now or never.  Of course we've intended on visiting the whole time she was there but never found a time that worked & I was terrified to fly over there just DH & I.  That comes from my low self esteem thinking that I am not enough for God to save & certain if we flew w/o a large group of people I knew I was doomed.  So the stress that came along with this upcoming trip was horrible. Completely irrational and unreasonable but horrible. Tons of tears & anxiety attacks. I couldn't even hold it together when my in-laws came to take us to the airport I had to say goodbye to my boys and was sure I was never going to see them again and they just didn't care that Mommy was leaving. Anyways, after some very strong spiritual battles while waiting in the airport we were on the plan & I decided that I had, had enough! I told God I trusted him fully & that I knew he was not only going to keep us safe but also my boys while I was gone & that He didn't bring me here to die. The weight was gone, then a second later we hear from the pilot "Ladies & Gentlemen I am sorry to say we are going to have to return to the gate(we were waiting to take off) due to some mechanical difficulties"  And normally that would have been a confirmation that things were wrong but instead I told the Devil "Nope It is not going to work & I rebuke you." I knew this meant God had my back. :-)  I was just so relieved that this overwhelming weight was gone & complete trust in my God & Savior was such a reassuring feeling.  And the trip was great.  Full of History, which I could have really cared less about, but it was great seeing our friends & having that one on one break through w/ God.

Here is a a few pictures from our trip.

My BFF & I

Yummy & cheap lobster

DH & I

Anyways in the middle of my anxiety for our trip we get the announcement that they'll be lay offs at my DH work and it will be effecting his dept.  So there is an added stress of is my husband going to have a job and this came right after he got a pretty good raise & I saw light at the end of the tunnel for me working  I was finally going to be home with the boys w/in the next year.  So this was stressful not just the possible loss of money but the loss of the chance of being able to raise our children & quit my 9-5 and we placed our Hawaii trip on hold incase we don't have the money.  Then about a week or so before our trip to Boston but over a week since we were told about possible layoffs. My DH calls me from work & asks what are we doing 5/22-6/2?  I take a deep breath cause I know this is how it started the last two times. And he says work is sending me to Hong Kong.  WTFrik?!?!?!?  Hong Kong for 12 days!  I was so not happy about this. Everyone around me said it was a good sign that they were not going to lay him off if they are sending him to Hong Kong.  This brings me back to the whole reason I started my MK business so I could not work & maybe even travel with him.  This is his third trip in 19 months.  Travel isn't part of his job description they choose to send him on special projects because it is so good at what he does.  So on one hand I am extremely proud of my amazing man and on the other I don't want him to go.  This will mark the longest we've ever been apart.  I had recently read "The Prayer of Jaybez" and just reread it. I know God has amazing plans for us and they are bigger than we ever thought possible and all this change & breakthrough is part of it.  So I knew no matter what happens layoffs or no layoffs we will be heading in the right direction.  This has had Chad put in his resume into a department at where he works that he would have never thought of so this may have been the push we needed to go a different direction.

So here is what the time line has looked like for the last few weeks:

5/10- Leave for Boston

5/14- Come home from Boston

5/17- Frist round of layoff notices

5/22-DH leaves for Hong Kong

I am happy to say we survived the first round of lay off notices and that it is looking pretty good that we will survive the next round on 6/21. 

All this to say watching what I eat has been very far from my mind.  But now with the first round of layoffs behind us and a possibility that Hawaii is going to be back on. I am now quickly realizing that I am running out of time. I had everything in place that I thought I would need. I have my goals, rewards & reasons not to quit in my car, my work, the kitchen & our bathroom also includes a tracking sheet that my DH is suppose to be keeping me accountable with. At first he did but now were are about a month since I stopped and he was stressed about layoffs so his mind was elsewhere as well. So I desperately want to start again tomorrow. I take DH to the airport for his business trip and my appetite always isn't as strong when he is gone so I want to use that for my advantage and then I am just making food for myself and not having to worry about what DH wants to eat.   The week I did so well & lost 7 lbs I was cleaning my house and taking my vitamins from Advocare & I think they really helped. So I ordered more and they should be here in the next day or two.  I am sure I'll be writing more entries since I don't sleep as well when DH is gone.

COOKIES....

My bodybugg thing stop recording so I haven't been doing as well as I was because I am not sure what my deficit is so I probably haven't been having as large of one as I was before.  Then tonight my DH asked me to make cookies and I had planned to have fruit & 1 oz of cheese for snack, so about 200 calories. And so I thought well I just have a couple cookies instead they are about 80-100 calories each. Yeah I at 4 of them.  Not to brag but they are AMAZING!  I make the best chocolate chip cookies in the world.  So I may have to burn some extra calories tomorrow...

I am in shock...O_O

Weigh in today came in at 170.2! WTFrick???? How is that possible??? That makes me down 7.4 lbs in one week! I have NEVER dropped that much in a first week of a diet EVER!! I started thinking the scale was broken but I got the same number 3 times and made others weigh on it to make sure that was right for them. I am beyond thrilled! I am so happy with my new eating style that the beginning crankiness went away quickly. So I LOVE my bodybugg! I am able to get online every night and see my deficit and know I am doing a good job and this week included a trip to Olive Garden for dinner and picked up Teriyaki one night too. We went to Red Ronin tonight and I ordered my 1/2 order crispy chicken salad and have strawberry short cake for dessert at home and I had had that earlier this week as well. I am motivated to move and not just sit on my butt. i want to make I am burning as many calories i can at home. I didn't work out this week but I've been spring cleaning and reorganizing my house and apparently that burns a good amount of calories. I have having a deficit average of 1500 calories everyday. 3500 is one lb, so granted I know some water weight was lost this week as well. But I have high hopes to hit my 2 lbs loss goal for next week. I

It kind of scares me how I can succeed at hints I put my mind to. It is like God saying finally now we can go the places you've been praying about. My home reorganization is a major answer to prayer as well. I grew up in a house where we picked up but rarely did we "clean" I mean if I was told to clean my room stuff went under the bed in toy boxes, closets or bins. The too would have a clear floor, beds made and, it looks good just don't open the closet door, lol! So when we moved into this house DH moved in 2 weeks before the wedding then my stuff came. So we had a catch all room where when we didn't know where to put something we'd just put it in there. As years past it really remained that way with that room and our dinning room table. Random bags & bins full of stuff to be dealt with later but had to be stashed to make for a quick clean. I can to the conclusion that everything needs a home. Our problem is nothing has any one place it belongs so things end up everywhere. So the big spring cleaning purge began last Sat. The office(includes our linen closet) took 3 days. The boys room 2 days. We had a yard sale today and I got the bathroom done. So now I just have the living room, dinning room, hall closet, kitchen & last but not least my closet. The great thing is the super big projects are done. I can get probably at least the kitchen and living room done tomorrow. Then I hope to get the closets and dining room on Sunday. Keep in mind this was done on a week I didn't have to work. So I have been going on this about 6-8 hrs a day. It is so strange to walk in the rooms that are done and know there is no pile, bin, basket or closet to be dealt with later or to avoid. I can't wait until it is all done and we can teach our children where things go cause right now they just put everything on the floor because the was no where anything belonged.

Things are crazy but great!

So I know it's early in the game still but things are going really well. I am counting my calories & wearing my body bugg & I've had a Calorie deficit every day.  The scale is going down & even thought It is only a couple lbs so far I swear I am feeling changes already.  Like shaving my legs was easier tonight and also feeling like my gut is hanging a little lower so not a great feeling but you lose weight it sags more. It will take time for that to go back.  I am also about 1/3 the way through my massive declutter , purge, organization of our house.  It is complete chaos in my house right now. Stuff EVERYWHERE! Stuff set aside for the yard sale this weekend (praying for no rain) and then the stuff not worth selling. The whole prefs of this organization is the face that our house is so small & cluttered we don't even have room for the stuff in it. 90% of what we own doesn't have a home. So things never really get put back because the last place it was put won't necessarily be available because something new may already be there.  So I am impressed that even w/ all the crazy I am still staying on track w/ at least 1000 calorie deficit every day. That should work out to be at least 2 lbs this week.








pssssssssst.............................As of this morning I'm down 2.8, I am sure water weight is playing a factor this week as well. But still have 2 days before my weigh in on Friday Morning which is technically a week.

The crankiness has begun....

Day two of life style change & I am hungry & cranky!! Body bugg on  today and met my activity goal, steps & have a calorie deficit of 1300.  So all & all a good day but I we were busy and had to pick up dinner & DH said ok keep in mind this happens allot & this is when you normally say screw it pick up McDonalds so how are we going to fix it?  I had him pick up a pizza for the boys and Teriyaki Chicken for us. I even didn't get the rice or gyoza. I got what they call the low carb #1.  Chicken breast & stir fry veggies.  And I even got to treat myself to some Dove Dark Chocolate because I my activity was so high today. We emptied our bedroom & built furniture & are now still working on getting the bed built so we can sleep somewhere tonight and I could pass out right now.

Two entries in less than 24 hrs

Well It is 2:15AM and I am up my mind running a million miles a minute.  I can't sleep.
However I am feeling empowered!  I've been thinking & thinking, googling & googling.  Trying to figure out what my next step is.  I looked up LA Weight Loss at home, Weight Watchers, Medifast, and I am going to go w/ DH's advice and go w/ simple math.  I am going to charge my body bug and keep my Jillianmichaels.com membership that works w/ the body bug active. Getting new batteries in my heart rate watch. And I am simply going to go w/ counting calories.  I will treat myself on gym days w/ a candy bar. Planning on 2-3 trips to the gym a week and 2-3 days of cardio at home (totaling 5 days).  So the gym will just be weights.  I want to get an elliptical in my living room but the house is a little small.  I know I can do this!  I am working on a accountability plan w/ DH.  I am going to have a calendar up in the bathroom where I need to mark a happy face or a sad face. If the task was complete a happy face :-) if it wasn't completed that day a sad face :-(

Then DH can see what I am doing well or not doing well. I am thinking of also giving him my log in info so he can check up on me from time to time.  I also want to weigh in backwards so I can't see my progress and have him only tell me when I reach 5%, 10% etc....  I haven't discussed all the details yet w/ him but I am going to ask him to not stop or give up on it.  I need someone to say keep going & I have to promise myself not to get mad at him cause it isn't going to be easy but I need to keep moving forward!!  My goal is after a month it will be habit & then I won't need to constant accountability and he can back down but I need someone pushing me for the first month.  When my Dad was my trainer he forced me to work out even when I didn't want to & I got pissed off at him every now & then. I am planing on going to the gym after work on Mondays & Thursday's and then it depends on the Saturday.  DH has to get his bike rides in to prepare for the STP this year but if it is raining in the morning I can go to the gym. If it is just planned this is when I go to the gym it won't be about finding time or worrying about what if something else is going on, that will be what is going on.

I still need to make myself plan my meals well so that I can not be starving from over eating for one meal.  That is where I tend to mess up is the fact that I eat allot in the morning & say Oh I'll just eat a small dinner but come dinner time I am starving & then I want a snack & I over ear then.  Anyways, Lots of planning, charts making in the next few days. Then hunger, sweat & tears in the next few weeks but it'll be worth it.  the jillianmicahels.com says I need to be less than my current goal weight of 125. They website says my max weight should be 115. I haven't been that since my little anorexic spell in High School. So I told DH that it isn't even possible. He is so determined that I can do it no problem. He has such faith & belief in me and that is why I need him to be my accountability partner because I need someone who has no doubt in their minds. And he says he knows I can do it and he claims do it better than I ever expected to. He has known me for a very long time & knows my athletic spirit, how much I enjoy being sore from working out and he has seen me lose before w/o working out. His faith in my ability to do this is really motivating.  Love you so much Babe. Thanks for believing in me.

Just like a drug

Well I have gone up & down up & down the same 5 lbs over and over and over again.  I am back at 177 lbs and at a loss. I've joined Weight Watchers at work, a biggest loser competition at work, purchased the new Dairy Free meal replacement shakes from Advocare, Purchased a new diet book that is working well for the BFF who is on her last 15 lbs until goal.  And all i've gotten is sick from the shake & depressed because of the lack of anything happening. Last week I did really well on my eating I would say no cheating at all & I gained weight. So I felt my normal screw it mentality & ate fries, burgers & ice cream(soy).

My beloved pet had to be put down March 10th.  It's been a long month. My oldest son just finally stopped asking me to talk about it at night. He still wants to talk about it EVERYDAY and my crazy just doesn't handle it well. She loved me no matter what.  No matter how fat I got, no matter what my mood was, if I met a goal or missed horribly. Not that my husband doesn't love me unconditionally too but he gets frustrated for me & with me from time to time.  And DH was completely anti dog now that we don't have one & I have NEVER been w/o a dog. My family always had more than one and when one passed we got another one with in a few weeks so this is already the longest I've ever been w/o a dog & I miss the companionship.  So I finally get him to agree to another dog if I reach my weight loss goal.  He said when I hit 125 I can buy another dog. DS1 wants one so bad right now & I told him Oct would be the earliest we could get one & he just doesn't want to wait that long.  I don't blame him but at 2 lbs a week end Sept 30th would be the soonest I'd hit goal and I have Hawaii the next week.  Yet here I sit cranky.  I HATE & LOTHE dieting.  It angers me, like it really pisses me off. I am so addicted to food I don't know what to do w/o being able to rely on it.

My BFF who moved to Boston 4 years ago is FINALLY moving back home. She has always been my weight loss buddy. When she lived her she would lose & I would lose etc.. We would share the roller coaster together.  Well like I mentioned earlier she is only like 15 lbs from her goal weight and we are talking High School skinny goal weight. She looks so great and we are making the trip out there to Boston in May so she can show us around before they move home in June.  I don't want to go out there this fat.  I am so self absorbed & vain how fat I am effects EVERYTHING!

I am to this point where I don't know what is going to fix me.  I talk to my DH & my Mom about what I know I need to do.  I know how to lose weight, so why can't I?  Why don't I stick to it?  How is my brain so broken that I can make my self miserable on purpose.  DH said while watching an episode of the biggest loser that I needed Jillian to break me down and fix me.  I told him unfortunately I don't have any tragic back story that made me fat & me not enough.  When we first got married I was amazing & had no self esteem issues. Then I always put my DH needs & wants before mine. Then I had kids and they also went before me. So it is simply the habit of putting myself last?

I am addicted to the high food gives me, just like a drug.  When I am stuck at the job I can't stand, I eat. When I am miss a goal, I eat.  When the kids are driving me crazy, I eat.  When I am depressed for no reason, I eat.  Eating is my escape.  Of course it isn't the simple act of eating it is what I am eating the carbs, sugar, grease and fat. If I could eat fruit or carrots and get the same endorphin rush I'd do that no problem.

So what do I do??  How can I stop the emotional, mindless eating for the temporary happiness followed by guilt & depression?  My daily highs & lows are exhausting.  I've said I was thinking about upping my depression meds but do I really want to do that?  My Dr has been wanting me to get a pre diabetes test & my cholesterol tested for 2 years now. Maybe I should just go ahead and get that done?  I've be avoiding the pre diabetes one cause I am sure it'll be positive and that will just depress me more. Right now going by the whole what you don't know can't hurt you.  But maybe a trip to the Dr would be a step in the right direction. I've been off my medication for a week or so but normally I would still have had some residue to keep me going.  It used to be if I took my depression meds I was really motivated & did well on my diet but now I don't know if it makes a difference. So does that mean I need to up them or just that I am use to it and making the wrong decisions?