Well I have gone up & down up & down the same 5 lbs over and over and over again. I am back at 177 lbs and at a loss. I've joined Weight Watchers at work, a biggest loser competition at work, purchased the new Dairy Free meal replacement shakes from Advocare, Purchased a new diet book that is working well for the BFF who is on her last 15 lbs until goal. And all i've gotten is sick from the shake & depressed because of the lack of anything happening. Last week I did really well on my eating I would say no cheating at all & I gained weight. So I felt my normal screw it mentality & ate fries, burgers & ice cream(soy).
My beloved pet had to be put down March 10th. It's been a long month. My oldest son just finally stopped asking me to talk about it at night. He still wants to talk about it EVERYDAY and my crazy just doesn't handle it well. She loved me no matter what. No matter how fat I got, no matter what my mood was, if I met a goal or missed horribly. Not that my husband doesn't love me unconditionally too but he gets frustrated for me & with me from time to time. And DH was completely anti dog now that we don't have one & I have NEVER been w/o a dog. My family always had more than one and when one passed we got another one with in a few weeks so this is already the longest I've ever been w/o a dog & I miss the companionship. So I finally get him to agree to another dog if I reach my weight loss goal. He said when I hit 125 I can buy another dog. DS1 wants one so bad right now & I told him Oct would be the earliest we could get one & he just doesn't want to wait that long. I don't blame him but at 2 lbs a week end Sept 30th would be the soonest I'd hit goal and I have Hawaii the next week. Yet here I sit cranky. I HATE & LOTHE dieting. It angers me, like it really pisses me off. I am so addicted to food I don't know what to do w/o being able to rely on it.
My BFF who moved to Boston 4 years ago is FINALLY moving back home. She has always been my weight loss buddy. When she lived her she would lose & I would lose etc.. We would share the roller coaster together. Well like I mentioned earlier she is only like 15 lbs from her goal weight and we are talking High School skinny goal weight. She looks so great and we are making the trip out there to Boston in May so she can show us around before they move home in June. I don't want to go out there this fat. I am so self absorbed & vain how fat I am effects EVERYTHING!
I am to this point where I don't know what is going to fix me. I talk to my DH & my Mom about what I know I need to do. I know how to lose weight, so why can't I? Why don't I stick to it? How is my brain so broken that I can make my self miserable on purpose. DH said while watching an episode of the biggest loser that I needed Jillian to break me down and fix me. I told him unfortunately I don't have any tragic back story that made me fat & me not enough. When we first got married I was amazing & had no self esteem issues. Then I always put my DH needs & wants before mine. Then I had kids and they also went before me. So it is simply the habit of putting myself last?
I am addicted to the high food gives me, just like a drug. When I am stuck at the job I can't stand, I eat. When I am miss a goal, I eat. When the kids are driving me crazy, I eat. When I am depressed for no reason, I eat. Eating is my escape. Of course it isn't the simple act of eating it is what I am eating the carbs, sugar, grease and fat. If I could eat fruit or carrots and get the same endorphin rush I'd do that no problem.
So what do I do?? How can I stop the emotional, mindless eating for the temporary happiness followed by guilt & depression? My daily highs & lows are exhausting. I've said I was thinking about upping my depression meds but do I really want to do that? My Dr has been wanting me to get a pre diabetes test & my cholesterol tested for 2 years now. Maybe I should just go ahead and get that done? I've be avoiding the pre diabetes one cause I am sure it'll be positive and that will just depress me more. Right now going by the whole what you don't know can't hurt you. But maybe a trip to the Dr would be a step in the right direction. I've been off my medication for a week or so but normally I would still have had some residue to keep me going. It used to be if I took my depression meds I was really motivated & did well on my diet but now I don't know if it makes a difference. So does that mean I need to up them or just that I am use to it and making the wrong decisions?
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