You suck!

I meant to write this much early but time has slipped away from me. Last Thursday was my first weigh in after starting to track my points again at weight watchers and I am proud to say I was down 4 lbs!!!! Brining my total weight loss since I signed up about a year ago to 10.8 lbs.   Not where it should or could be but hey it's better than up.  The topic at our meeting was "Attitude Adjustments" It talked about negative self talk and even with that reminder when Saturday came all Hell broke loose. Let me back up a little.

On Wednesday before my 4.5 mile run earlier this week I was having problems with negative thoughts.  Negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts. I found my self very frustrated and worked up about my half marathon. I told hubby I suck and I'm just not fast enough. Seeing how fast other people are and the fact that people tell me that ANYONE can walk a 16 min mile. I can't, my legs can not walk that fast. This makes me feel like I must be horrible at this cause if anyone can just walk it and I struggle to run it maybe I should't be trying to run in the first place. Thursday at my WW meeting they talk about the importance of getting rid of negative thinking. But my self beatings continued.  Saturday came and I got all geared up and ready to run my 8 miles for my training and about had a nervous breakdown.  The thought process that went through my head wasn't just negative it was attacking me.  I couldn't get myself out of it. The thoughts that I can't do this, I suck, I'm so slow, what if this run kills me?  I mean seriously I had gone off the deep end. It felt like each of my feet weighed 100 lbs. I could hardly move. I was crying and practically in a full blown panic attack. And then I gave up. I told hubby I just can't today, I emotionally can't. I went and took a shower and cried. Feeling even more fear wondering what will I do if this happens the day of the half? I can't just quit.

Sunday came and I knew I had to get my run in.  I started pushing out negative thoughts, which at this point feels like a full time job. I got some solid advice from my Mom and Hubby during my beat myself up day on Saturday and that was that realistically I need to realize that because of my weight I'll probably can't be as fast as other people and because of all that extra weight on my body, running will probably always cause some kind of pain. I am 50 lbs from my goal weight and that just barely gets me to a healthy BMI. I really should be more like 65 lbs less.  I think if most people put on an extra 50 lbs in weights and then try running their bodies would feel it, and the pace would be slower. Knowing I've never been shooting to run the half super fast. I reminded myself that my plan was to walk/run this thing with hopefully a 14-15 min pace.  I got my running gear on and got on my treadmill.  I ended up with an average of 14:43 mile pace for the whole 8 miles.  I can't be upset with that.  All I can do is keep pushing myself to go a little faster a little longer and keep going, keep moving forward.