Stolen Joy

It's been a while since I've blogged but things kind of got super crazy.  Family emergencies, sickness, back pain, and big changes coming my way.  I hadn't worked out for two weeks due to recovering for my sprained SI joint then we had our family emergency. The first work outs I finally got in was when I started when Shaun Week on June 12th.  I completed Shaun week and felt amazing!!

What Shaun Week taught me:

1. I can do more than I thought
2. I am stronger than I thought
3. I still have some emotional stuff to work out
4. In order to achieve breakthroughs you must first be broken down

5 out of the 7 days of Shaun Week I was pushed to my breaking point and holding back tears. These work outs pushed me to my physical limits. It was like hitting mile 10 of my half marathon but after only a half hour of working out.  I think the emotions start because you know you are doing something you struggled to get through but you did it anyway. Then it makes you think of things you need to let go of and move on from.  It makes you think about everything in life and I don't know why it does that. It is just like how contestants on the biggest loser break down and start figuring out there issues.  I had had such an emotional few weeks anyways with my injury and our family emergency that these work outs were changing me. They were pushing me and while pushing me I was dealing with stuff I didn't think I still needed to deal with.

Then when Shaun week was over something happened that I have been dreading.  The full time spot opened at work that I was planning on applying for.  Keep in mind with ever fiber of my being I've always wanted to be a stay at home Mom.  I've been part time for 10 1/2 years and during that whole time plotted how to quit to be at home with my boys full time.  Well now we've found this amazing school that they both thrived at last year and to afford the tuition I need to go full time.  But applying for it brought me to a very sad place. The week after Shaun week I started the 21 Day Fix Extreme and enjoyed the work outs and was glad with my choice to push myself further physically after Shaun Week, but I ate like crap because I was in a mood about applying for full time.  I took Sunday off instead of doing Yoga and then Monday was a crap day at work which made me even more upset about apply for full time, so I took Monday off from working out.  Then Tuesday the official offer and date was set for my switch from part time to full time.  I cried all the way home.  It maybe hard for some to understand why this is so hard. I work 3 days a week part time what is 2 more days? Especially since both my boys will be in school full time next year.  While I wish that logic was enough to calm my crazy. For me this goes very deep.  Every day since my oldest was about 2 I've wanted to quit my job.  My oldest has had many issues through the years making me miss allot of work from time to time, but if I was able to get time off for like a week the issues would calm down. When I was home everything would get better for him.

For basically almost 9 years I've hoped and dreamed of the day that I would be home with my boys, keeping their schedules consistent and taking care of our home.  Going full time to me means giving up on a dream I've been fighter for for almost a decade. I have never had a dream I wanted so badly to come true, meaning I've also never had to give up on a dream this big either.  I am not good at it. I pretty much suck at it.  Everything in me has always held tight to this dream and now it feels impossible to let it go.  My joy has been stolen from me and I am trying hard to choose it every day but l haven't dealt with this yet to find the joy.  I've been in shut down mode for 3 days, not working out, eating poorly.  But tonight I felt a spark. I started getting pissed off.  Maybe it is just the anger stage of grief cause I know I've already visited, denial, bargaining and depression. There is only anger and acceptance left. But late tonight I felt that spark of anger of what this is taking from me and I realized not only was this taking my joy but it is starting to take my health.  I was falling back and quickly into old habits and starting to throw away my chance at a healthy life.

I've been so frustrated with my health journey for the last couple months because I haven't been eating right so the scale isn't moving. You can't out exercise a bad diet.  I know in my soul that my eating is the cause of this 2 month plateau because for one week I got back on track about 3 weeks ago and the scale responded immediately.  I looked back and realized it was about at that time that we had to choose to re enroll the boys in school and I told my hubby even if I have to go full time at work we will send the boys to this new school. I have been letting this steal my joy for 2 months. 2 months of progress flushed down the toilet because I let something steal my joy.  How dare I do that to myself and my family. While I am still figuring it all out, I know one thing for sure: I have to find a way to choose joy no matter what comes my way. Because in this change comes a greater good and I need to get my crap together and deal with it somehow.

And so I ran!

This last week has been not a good week.  2 days in the hospital, 1 call to 911 after home from hospital, 1 trip to urgent care and a bad back.  See my Dad had a stroke and his is not that old and all his numbers for normal causes of stroke were all good. So after 2 days in the hospital he was released and told how lucky he was because of how mild his reactions to the stroke was. Then just the day after he was released he had some of the symptoms that the Dr told him to watch out for so we had to call 911.  I am a Daddy's girl always have been always will be. So this happening hit me hard.  My stress level shot thru the roof and my anxiety was constantly on edge. Then my son crashed his bike and thought he broke his arm so we rushed him to the urgent care, thankfully it was not broken.  And for the last month I've been suffering from back pain. I sprang my SI joint on my left side and I wasn't even working out when it happened I was goofing off dancing.  Anyways after 2 1/2 weeks of no work outs, Dr's orders, I was finally was pain free. I started working again last Monday out only to have the pain start to come back a few days later by the end of this week. I was so exasperated I told hubby I need to do something like run.  I told myself I don't run anymore and maybe I should just do a work out my back was feeling pretty good by this time but I couldn't get running out of my head. So I laced up and told hubby I was going to run on the treadmill.

So many thoughts went through my mind while trying to decide what to do on said treadmill. I thought about how when I tried to start the C25K again a few months back it was hard again to run for 60 seconds.  I haven't ran in 2 years and it has been 3 years since I did the C25K originally.  I looked at my C25K sheet and contemplated doing Week1 Day1 again.  But I was looking for a runners high, I needed it and I knew what it takes for me to get there.  I would always get one after really pushing myself and so I ran.  I turned on my music and ran. I checked out mentally and just let my feet and legs keep moving.  I alternated between 4 and 5 MPH but never slowed to a walk.  I did a mile in under 14 mins which for me is huge.  And I didn't stop I kept going. 25 minutes total including a minute cool down.  I ran for 24 minutes non stop.  The last time I did that was 3 years ago when I hit the week of my C25K program where it made me run for 20 minutes.  It felt good. It felt good to think that somehow I did that with out any C25K training. While I am still not fast I think I may just start doing 25 mins on the treadmill a few times a week and who knows with time I may get faster.  I have to complete my first Run Disney virtual 5K this month too. The pride and release I found from that little run was so amazing.  

This morning my heart dropped as I could hardly get out of bed. My sciatic is in so much pain I was limping around all day icing it and hardly able to move around. This has nothing to do with my sprang SI joint on the other side.  I just want to be able to work daily again. This next week starts Shaun Week on Beachbody on demand and I have a small group I am doing it with and I am afraid I am not going to be able to do it. Praying that tomorrow I am feeling much better. But yes this week sucked and I have still not quite emotionally recovered but that run did help and even more so than the run was just the fact that I did something I haven't done it 3 years and something just 5 minutes before I had deemed not possible.  You can do so much more that you think you can.

Running on the brain....

I have an itch that will not go away.  Ever since my last post about it being 2 years since my half marathon I can not stop thinking about doing another one.  Hubby says I need to stick to a 10K but I don't know.......  I agree I need to start small. Start singing up for 5K's and 10K's again and see how it goes.  I promise I really don't like running! So why do I keep on coming back to it?

I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I finish a race. I enjoy a good runners high. But for me none of this happens during the process only after I am done running. Granted during my half marathon the parts that were in the part to start with were AMAZING!!  I actually enjoyed that run.  And I guess maybe that should be my goal.  I need running to be fun. Like the first Warrior Dash that started this whole thing. That was slow but so fun! I want to be able to go do a 5K and not worry about feeling like I am going to die. Heck I would really like to be able to run at a nice slow pace a whole 5K.  I've always been a walk run person.  

But I am also into my weight training with the 21 Day fix. Man do I love lifting!  But even though lifting gives me a great feeling of accomplishment right away it isn't quite the same and finishing a race.  Dare I say I've been looking at races and I've almost registered for a few but always back out.  I want to do another race at Disney SO BAD!! Chad said he will run 10K's with me but not a half. and I am like well if I am running the 10K one day and do the half the next then we get more medals. LOL!!

I am thinking I will start very small with runDisney's Virtual Running Shorts for this summer. It comes with 4 medals if I do all 3 5K's one in each month (June, July and August) I can do them on my own at my own pace and even on my treadmill if I need to.  My goal will be to get faster with each one.  I am decided this is my plan! It will be an easy way to ease back in to running and give me a goal for each month. I have to submit my info to them before they will send me my finishers medal each month. 

So there you have it, I guess I am going to start running again. *GULP*

2 years ago today...

Thanks to Facebook Memories and Timehop I know that 2 years ago today I completed my one and only Half Marathon.  It made me wonder so I looked up the results and I don't know that I ever looked up the official results before.  Official time was 3:50:28 just about 18 min miles. That is nothing great but we did have some 2 or 3 bathroom breaks during the run and then my freak out at mile 10.  If it wasn't for my BFF at that moment I am certain I would have just curled up in a ball and sobbed. LOL!!   I do not miss running, I do not miss training for the half marathon but I do miss the feeling that you get when you cross that finish line.  It made me want to do it all over again.

                            

 

Knowing I was not in the best shape when I did this and knowing I am already in better shape and health now I can't help but wonder what it would be like to start running again.  I am not that much lighter than I am allot smaller in size.  I am still a little apprehensive to actually say yes I am going to do this again. I want to lose more weight and get even healthier with my programs I am doing now first.  But it is something that has been burning in my mind for a while now. I am thinking I need to start again with the C25K and do some 5K's and see how I do and how I feel because I remember feeling and saying I would NEVER do another Half Marathon again! But if I sign up for another Half Marathon, you'll guys will be the first to know.

It's been a while and things are great!!!

Normally when I am not around blogging it means I am not doing well on my journey to health and this time it couldn't be more the opposite.  I am officially down 16 lbs and 20 inches!!!! Tat is a big deal!!! I am running accountability groups on Facebook and they are going AMAZING as well!!

Normally I blog when I am up late and can't sleep but the strangest side effect of eating healthy and exercising for 30 mins a day is I am tired at a normal time at night.  I used to blog somewhere between 12-2AM and now I am almost always asleep by midnight. Granted I am still not getting enough sleep but it is still more than I used to get.

Here is my most recent before and after. 20 inches gone!!! Plus confidence, happiness and so many other good things.

I still have a very long way to go and I have seemed to plateau, but my eating has not been 100% and I am very close to where I need to adjust my eating plan to go down because my weight loss will have brought me into the next level.  Mean I lose a carb, fruit and 2 tsps!! O_O  I am really not looking forward to that but I know if I want to make more progress that day will come.   I told hubby I was starting to wonder if I need to make that adjustment a little bit earlier since my weight loss has slowed to a halt.  But I think I am going to make sure this next week I go back to measuring everything out, not just eyeballing it, and tracking it all down on paper. I am also thinking about adding a daily cardio routine to my work out schedule. Meaning working out for not just 30 mins a day but 60 mins. Preferably not back to back.  I did complete the doubles week from the 21 day fix and the strength I gained and noticed that week was so cool!! I had been doing these work outs for months and doubles week made a HUGE difference.  

Oh and get this! I have a butt!!! I have never had a butt in my life. you can see in my before pic it was very flat and that is what my Dad's side of the family has and I just always assumed I was stuck with it. But all these squats and lunges and I grew a butt.  I noticed and thought I was going crazy but then hubby noticed and my Mom noticed! LOL!!  I have kind of a small obsession with my lower half between my new butt and my legs that have next to no fat on them now. I am like how short can I where my shorts?? HAHAHAHA!!  But I am an apple shape so my middle is my problem section and will be the last to lose the weight.  I am not even half way to my goal yet but I am thrilled with my progress so far.

I can not say enough positive things about Beachbody, Shakeology and the 21 day fix.  I am in love with it all!!  There have been allot of things that this program has helped me fix with in myself.  But that is something to write about in the next blog.  I hope to get a post up weekly again.  

So until next weekend in all things Choose Joy!!

The secret formula----

What if I told you I have the secret formula to weight loss and health?  Everyone who has ever struggled with weight has wished there was a magic pill we could take to fix it. We fool our selves into believing we are healthy even though over weight. We've tried several diets work outs and sure we'll lose some but we gain it back and nothing seems sustainable over long periods of time. In my previous blog post Here, I explain why that isn't all your fault. We are programed to believe that losing weight should be simple, quick and easy.

The secret formula:

One of my favorite Thomas Edison quotes is: "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." Our health is something so important, to everyone but us.  I have put off the importance of my health for years. Telling myself it's not that bad or I don't have time to do anything about it.  I would then try to do something and I would get a personal trainer but not willing to give up my food. My logic was always well if I am now working out I can continue to eat the way I was before I was working out and so I should lose some weight.  Or join WW and use all my weekly points on treats and my favorite foods and find myself not losing weight ,even though I am staying with in my weekly point allowance. And I would be frustrated that the craving for junk food never seemed to go away.  Always finding the loop holes, always convincing myself it is not working and it is not my fault I am doing everything I am suppose to do.  Well here is the truth bomb: We are in this situation because we don't want to do the work to get out of it.  The first and most important part of the secret formula is WORK.  With out the willingness to put in the work needed we will not succeed.  This is one of the main things I've learned in less than two weeks on the 21 day fix program with beachbody is that it takes work.

And with that work comes another important part and that is TIME. I actually cook all the time and cooking means doing dishes ALL THE TIME. Meal prep takes allot of time and effort. And before all the meal prep can happen I have to make time to meal plan for the week. I also now work out everyday, this too takes time and effort.

This is becoming my new normal but I still think to my self THIS SUCKS! LOL!!  It takes so much work and lots of effort to create a heathy life style.  But if we are honest when we say we don't have extra time to meal prep or cook, we are only lying to ourselves.  Take away your TV time, Facebook time, pinterest time and you'll probably find more time than you even need.  It is amazing how much time we waste sitting on our butts in the name of needing to chill or unwind from our day.  This is one of the main reason I have not succeeded in weight loss for such a long time. I wasn't putting the required time and effort into the process. I was always cutting corners, I didn't want to give up my favorite foods because it wasn't fair.  I wanted quick and easy. If you are not willing to make time by taking the time from somewhere else, the changes you want will never happen. To work out I give up 30 minutes a day. My Friday nights while I sit I also meal plan and make grocery lists. Saturdays now no longer include sleeping in so I can beat crowds to the grocery stores and Sundays are no longer just Church and chill, Sundays are Church and meal prep day. After meal prep is done I can chill.

Which brings me to Nutrition.  We need to measure/track our or food and keep our portion size under control and eat REAL FOOD! If we don't eat real food, we will constantly feel drawn to processed easy foods.  We need to give our bodies the vitamins and nutrition it needs to operate at it's best.  Many diet programs out there offer quick easy meals that supply you with vitamins but my friends it is still quick, easy and processed foods.  Like I said in my other blog post if we don't learn how to feed ourselves the nutrition we need and learn to set aside the time to cook real/clean whole foods. We will always be drawn to food that is quick and easy, and when the mail man is no longer delivering your food to your door where will you turn to for quick and easy food? In America that leads use right back to the all mighty fast food drive thru.  Now don't get me wrong I LOVE me french fries! YUM! But I have accepted that I am not in a place right now where I am able to eat that in moderation.  I believe that moderation is the key to long term success but until I can control my habits I am not able to allow these items in my diet until I no longer crave them.

Now that we've taken care of your food to fuel you body correctly, for weight loss we need to burn that fuel and then some. We need to move. The next part of the formula is Exercise.  I put this after nutrition because you can not out exercise a bad diet.  While people might not want to hear this, you can be skinny and unhealthy. Thin/skinny does NOT mean healthy.  Some are blessed with a great metabolism and can eat what ever they want and are thin. But with out exercise they are still at risk of many diseases. Exercise also is the best way to fight anxiety, depression and high blood pressure.  But for people like me who are over weight the exercise will also help me lose the weight, gain muscle, and, once I reach a healthy weight, it will help me continue to maintain that healthy weight.  Right now my heart works much harder than it should because I am larger than I should be. My heart is made to provide my body with the oxygen and blood flow it needs but for my body when at a healthy weight. So being over weight is a strain on my heart. It is why I have high blood pressure.  In just one round of the 21 day fix I witnessed my resting heart rate get better. With my Fitbit Charge HR I was able to watch as my heart spent less time working hard and being in the "fat burning zone". In the beginning even just sitting talking my heart rate would be slightly elevated. Now I actually have to get up a move to get my heart rate into that zone.

Accountability is another part of this formula.  It is something else I have this time that I have not had in a long time.  My Hubby is doing this with me. He is also working out every day, we are eating the same meals at home and at work.  Don't get me wrong my husband has always been very supportive but if I asked him to pick up Taco Time on the way home from work he would.   This time we are in this together. If I asked him to pick up fast food on the way home from work he now says no.  You add that and my accountability group for beachbody and I have accountability up the wazoo! You need that someone to keep you on track. Someone working towards the same goal.  It needs to be someone that isn't going to let it slide if you had a bad day and don't want to work out. They need to be the one encourage you to still work out.  Not the ones feeling bad for you and say well just make sure to work out twice as hard tomorrow. NO! We need that push to make us better and keep us accountable.  You can have the friend that will always feel sorry for you when you have a bad day but if they are the kind that will say lets go out for ice cream, they are not the person you are looking for as an accountability partner.  Find someone who is ready, find someone that you are not able to talk into taking a day off and that won't try to talk you into a day off.  If you can't find one person join an accountability group. With a whole group of like minded people working towards similar goals.  It is very motivating when you check your phone in the morning and see people are already posting they are done with their work outs before you've even gotten out of bed. You want to be able to post that sweaty selfie too. It stirs up that fear of missing out feeling in you that you want to see results like them so it helps you lace up your shoes and work out even on the days you really don't want too.

-Work- We need to be willing and ready to put the work in that is needed.
-Time- We need to find time in our day to do the things that will move us towards better health
-Nutrition- Real food, right sized proportions, good balance of the right kinds of foods
-Exercise- Move, be active, keep your heart healthy
-Accountability- This is how we stay on track and stop quitting

So while none of this might have been new info to many of you. I offer it as a reminder and a perfect formula.  If you are not finding success in your weight loss or health journey I guarantee you one of these pieces is missing in your formula. If done correctly you will succeed. Make the time, do the work. eat clean, move and make sure you have someone on your side to keep you motivated.

A cold has got me down...

UGH The first week of round 2 my kids and my husband had a nasty cold.  Now week 2 of round too and I have this nasty thing.  It has been lasting for over a week now and it seems to be getting worse. I tried to work out through it but only managed to get 3 work outs in this week. But then my cough started and I couldn't put out the energy for the work outs with out coughing my head off.  And with this I have found myself not cooking as much. Needless to say the last two weeks have been a struggle.  I am still feeling pretty crummy and having to use my inhaler.

The good new sis I am actually missing working out. From not eating perfect I am also feeling the effect non healthy food is having on me.  you add all this together and I miss the hard work that came along with meal planning prepping and working out everyday.  I am looking forward to get back to it!  It had been a while so I just wanted to touch base with everyone. I am still here just dealing with lots of sickness. I'll be very glad when cold and flu season is over.