Stolen Joy

It's been a while since I've blogged but things kind of got super crazy.  Family emergencies, sickness, back pain, and big changes coming my way.  I hadn't worked out for two weeks due to recovering for my sprained SI joint then we had our family emergency. The first work outs I finally got in was when I started when Shaun Week on June 12th.  I completed Shaun week and felt amazing!!

What Shaun Week taught me:

1. I can do more than I thought
2. I am stronger than I thought
3. I still have some emotional stuff to work out
4. In order to achieve breakthroughs you must first be broken down

5 out of the 7 days of Shaun Week I was pushed to my breaking point and holding back tears. These work outs pushed me to my physical limits. It was like hitting mile 10 of my half marathon but after only a half hour of working out.  I think the emotions start because you know you are doing something you struggled to get through but you did it anyway. Then it makes you think of things you need to let go of and move on from.  It makes you think about everything in life and I don't know why it does that. It is just like how contestants on the biggest loser break down and start figuring out there issues.  I had had such an emotional few weeks anyways with my injury and our family emergency that these work outs were changing me. They were pushing me and while pushing me I was dealing with stuff I didn't think I still needed to deal with.

Then when Shaun week was over something happened that I have been dreading.  The full time spot opened at work that I was planning on applying for.  Keep in mind with ever fiber of my being I've always wanted to be a stay at home Mom.  I've been part time for 10 1/2 years and during that whole time plotted how to quit to be at home with my boys full time.  Well now we've found this amazing school that they both thrived at last year and to afford the tuition I need to go full time.  But applying for it brought me to a very sad place. The week after Shaun week I started the 21 Day Fix Extreme and enjoyed the work outs and was glad with my choice to push myself further physically after Shaun Week, but I ate like crap because I was in a mood about applying for full time.  I took Sunday off instead of doing Yoga and then Monday was a crap day at work which made me even more upset about apply for full time, so I took Monday off from working out.  Then Tuesday the official offer and date was set for my switch from part time to full time.  I cried all the way home.  It maybe hard for some to understand why this is so hard. I work 3 days a week part time what is 2 more days? Especially since both my boys will be in school full time next year.  While I wish that logic was enough to calm my crazy. For me this goes very deep.  Every day since my oldest was about 2 I've wanted to quit my job.  My oldest has had many issues through the years making me miss allot of work from time to time, but if I was able to get time off for like a week the issues would calm down. When I was home everything would get better for him.

For basically almost 9 years I've hoped and dreamed of the day that I would be home with my boys, keeping their schedules consistent and taking care of our home.  Going full time to me means giving up on a dream I've been fighter for for almost a decade. I have never had a dream I wanted so badly to come true, meaning I've also never had to give up on a dream this big either.  I am not good at it. I pretty much suck at it.  Everything in me has always held tight to this dream and now it feels impossible to let it go.  My joy has been stolen from me and I am trying hard to choose it every day but l haven't dealt with this yet to find the joy.  I've been in shut down mode for 3 days, not working out, eating poorly.  But tonight I felt a spark. I started getting pissed off.  Maybe it is just the anger stage of grief cause I know I've already visited, denial, bargaining and depression. There is only anger and acceptance left. But late tonight I felt that spark of anger of what this is taking from me and I realized not only was this taking my joy but it is starting to take my health.  I was falling back and quickly into old habits and starting to throw away my chance at a healthy life.

I've been so frustrated with my health journey for the last couple months because I haven't been eating right so the scale isn't moving. You can't out exercise a bad diet.  I know in my soul that my eating is the cause of this 2 month plateau because for one week I got back on track about 3 weeks ago and the scale responded immediately.  I looked back and realized it was about at that time that we had to choose to re enroll the boys in school and I told my hubby even if I have to go full time at work we will send the boys to this new school. I have been letting this steal my joy for 2 months. 2 months of progress flushed down the toilet because I let something steal my joy.  How dare I do that to myself and my family. While I am still figuring it all out, I know one thing for sure: I have to find a way to choose joy no matter what comes my way. Because in this change comes a greater good and I need to get my crap together and deal with it somehow.

And so I ran!

This last week has been not a good week.  2 days in the hospital, 1 call to 911 after home from hospital, 1 trip to urgent care and a bad back.  See my Dad had a stroke and his is not that old and all his numbers for normal causes of stroke were all good. So after 2 days in the hospital he was released and told how lucky he was because of how mild his reactions to the stroke was. Then just the day after he was released he had some of the symptoms that the Dr told him to watch out for so we had to call 911.  I am a Daddy's girl always have been always will be. So this happening hit me hard.  My stress level shot thru the roof and my anxiety was constantly on edge. Then my son crashed his bike and thought he broke his arm so we rushed him to the urgent care, thankfully it was not broken.  And for the last month I've been suffering from back pain. I sprang my SI joint on my left side and I wasn't even working out when it happened I was goofing off dancing.  Anyways after 2 1/2 weeks of no work outs, Dr's orders, I was finally was pain free. I started working again last Monday out only to have the pain start to come back a few days later by the end of this week. I was so exasperated I told hubby I need to do something like run.  I told myself I don't run anymore and maybe I should just do a work out my back was feeling pretty good by this time but I couldn't get running out of my head. So I laced up and told hubby I was going to run on the treadmill.

So many thoughts went through my mind while trying to decide what to do on said treadmill. I thought about how when I tried to start the C25K again a few months back it was hard again to run for 60 seconds.  I haven't ran in 2 years and it has been 3 years since I did the C25K originally.  I looked at my C25K sheet and contemplated doing Week1 Day1 again.  But I was looking for a runners high, I needed it and I knew what it takes for me to get there.  I would always get one after really pushing myself and so I ran.  I turned on my music and ran. I checked out mentally and just let my feet and legs keep moving.  I alternated between 4 and 5 MPH but never slowed to a walk.  I did a mile in under 14 mins which for me is huge.  And I didn't stop I kept going. 25 minutes total including a minute cool down.  I ran for 24 minutes non stop.  The last time I did that was 3 years ago when I hit the week of my C25K program where it made me run for 20 minutes.  It felt good. It felt good to think that somehow I did that with out any C25K training. While I am still not fast I think I may just start doing 25 mins on the treadmill a few times a week and who knows with time I may get faster.  I have to complete my first Run Disney virtual 5K this month too. The pride and release I found from that little run was so amazing.  

This morning my heart dropped as I could hardly get out of bed. My sciatic is in so much pain I was limping around all day icing it and hardly able to move around. This has nothing to do with my sprang SI joint on the other side.  I just want to be able to work daily again. This next week starts Shaun Week on Beachbody on demand and I have a small group I am doing it with and I am afraid I am not going to be able to do it. Praying that tomorrow I am feeling much better. But yes this week sucked and I have still not quite emotionally recovered but that run did help and even more so than the run was just the fact that I did something I haven't done it 3 years and something just 5 minutes before I had deemed not possible.  You can do so much more that you think you can.