The prayers of a Husband (written 1/10/13)

I have been pretty low this new year.  In a depression feeling over whelmed & defeated.  So then out of no where on Thursday my mood improved & every time I tried to foil my diet I was literally stopped in my tracks by things not in my control. Like the ran out of the French Dip lunch special at work.  And when I wanted a candy bar I was reminded to look at the list on phone I created to read & hopefully stop me from eating the bad food. And it worked like a charm. Then I came up w/ all these plans for my family & what changes we need to strive to make & what things we should try to accomplish this year. I came home & started talking my DH ear off. Told him of all my foiled attempts my motivation & he smiled at me & said he has been praying for my motivation.  I pray for this but for some reason there is so much power when the man of the house prays for his spouse & family. So very grateful to have him.

Two Days for one...

The last time I posted I was focusing on the positives.  Since then I have reached a my highest weight ever & have been completely stuffing my face w/ no self control at all.  I am afraid of what my scale will say tomorrow.  I don't know why.  Even w/ all my over eating I had a good night Friday night. Got to go out on a Date w/ DH to discuss our plans for he new year but for the first time in ever, I wasn't content when we left. Normally I ramble & DH helps me figure things out & we come up w/ solutions or ideas. But this time we did some complaining too and I just feel so guilty if I ever complain about anything.  So I left feeling bad & DH reminded me that it is important to vent every now & this is how we've gone over 9 years of marriage w/o any big fights. We talk things out WAY before they ever become a problem.  Anyways, so I started getting this down in the dumps feeling about my weight & my MK biz & my ability to quit my regular job this summer. Then the walls of my small house started closing in on me. I started looking at bigger houses & was reminded that we can't move because we can't sell our house & can't qualify for two mortgages. Nor do we want to be stuck paying to mortgages & this house isn't ready to rent out anyway.

I feel scattered & my anxiety is thru the roof!! Feel like I am on the verge of tears & a panic attack  & I have felt this way for two days.



Stopped typing & called my Mom last night talked w/ her until 3:30AM.  Trying to figure out how to fix me.  We didn't come up w/ any answers.  I was up until 5AM & so I missed work today.  Which is terrible because I didn't have time to miss work but my anxiety & depression was so bad & I was so tired there was no going. My AMAZING DH told me that I needed to stay home to try to get my head straight.  He wanted me to go to a Dr. about my depression to discuss my meds. However I haven't been taking them so I feel like if I was taking them consistently & still having these issues then I agree I would need to visit the Dr & talk about a med change. So here I am trying to get back on my meds so that I can feel like me.  I miss being me SO much!  DH thinks I need to focus on my depression & getting to the gym. Exercising helps me w/ my crazy so much.

We have postponed our Hawaii trip until Oct because at this point I don't think I will be able to quit by Aug. And my work will not give me time off in Aug. So we are looking into Oct. Still very excited & trying to figure out my goals for this year.  They were all so HUGE.  I mean they are God big because as of right now I can't see anyway for them all to happen & I feel like I need to give up on certain things that I feel very strongly about not giving up that goal.  Part of me is just so sick of ALWAYS failing & quitting EVERYTHING I do.  I feel like I don't want to give anything up. I only want one thing & that is "It all!"   I want to become more involved w/ my kids, lose weight & get healthy, get strong (like muscles), promote myself in my home business, pay off debt, & quit my current job.   Like I said they are God size goals & I have NO idea how to accomplish them all. Because as I compile the list to promote myself in my home biz I have to take more time away from my family, meaning I am not being more involved w/ my kids, Same goes for going to the gym more time away.  But in order to quit my current job so that I can be home w/ my kids I have to promote myself in MK. Just feel like something is going to have to give but I don't want to give any of it.

Biggest loser started again yesterday & Jillian is back on the show. I love her, but she would KILL me. This one girl walked off the show the first week, before the first weigh in, because she couldn't handle the emotional struggle of it all.  I couldn't believe that she just thought it would be easy.  I then think;  I would be the one Jillian was yelling at saying well you just don't want it, go ahead leave cause your not wanting to change.  Would I be so far gone I would have walked off the show?? Would I be able to push thru??  I am very lucky that my weight issues are not derived  from some tragedy.  I had a great childhood & school life.  My issues all lie in my lack of self worth.  So because it all comes down to be putting my self last because my family deserves to be first means that I live life unhealthy??  I have to take my wedding ring off at night because it cuts off circulation & makes my hands & arms go numb while I sleep.  My body is starting to do things it has never done before & I am not enjoying.   My legs are getting pins & needles when I sit for to long. And if I have been sitting it hurts to walk. I am getting aches & pains for no reason.  I started peeing myself when I sneezed.  I was like WTFrick!!  I never had that problem pregnant so why now? My Mom said it is because of the excess fat/weight pushing down on my bladder. I am snoring all the time! To the point that I am waking up DH.  I never shore unless I have a cold & now it is a nightly thing.  *sigh* With all the diabetes & High cholesterol in my family history I need to get healthy & teach my boys to be healthy.

Tonight on Biggest loser the Dr asked someone if they found out they had cancer would they take the 2 hrs out of there day to get Chemo?  Of course the person said yes & he said that exercise should be viewed the same way for him because he would die w/o losing the weight.  I am not morbidly obese but I am obese & just seem to be gaining more & more weight as the years pass.  Allot of praying is in my immediate future.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

So to say I fell off the wagon during Christmas to New years is a little bit of an understatement.  The sugar does it to me every time!! I really can't seem to stop eating it once I start.  So I've been anti new years resolutions for years but this year I have some big things I plan to accomplish & goals to reach & fun to have. I am not going to call them resolutions but this is a good time for a fresh start on so many things. :-)

I found something on Pinterest that I want to start. For every work out you complete you put $1 in a jar & when that jar reaches a predetermine amount you can take it out & spend it.  I think that is a good motivation to work out. It isn't based on lbs lost but on work outs completed.

I now have two weigh in's a week. WW on Tuesday & I also joined a new Biggest loser at work where we weigh in on Fridays so no real time to cheat. :-)  I am starting the Advocare 10 day cleanse tomorrow but sticking my diet plans to my WW plan.  So I will be taking the vitamins & the herbal cleansing drink.  My weigh in tomorrows weight in will be about the same as my high but I am not to discouraged about it.  I am choosing to focus on the promise & possibilities of this new year. And above all to focus on God, for w/ him all things are possible.