Another year older and I've forgotten why I started

My Birthday is this Friday and here I sit in worse health than I was last year.  Last year I was feeling amazing I was much healthier I was just about to cut all sugar and caffeine out of my life for about 7 months.  Right now I am back to my highest weight I was in January 2017 and I am not eating healthy. I've started my health journey a couple times to just have it interrupted by health issues and lack of discipline that I used to have. Sugar and pop have become a daily think, dare I say multiple times a day.  My joy that I was living and loving daily has been lacking. The last 7 months everything has done a 180 in comparison to where I had gotten myself and my health last year.

As I was stuffing my face with some M&M's thinking about my upcoming birthday and thought about how close to 40 I am getting and I remembered why I not just want to but NEED to lose weight and get healthy.  I had left the whole idea and realization that with my families medical history it is not about of if but a matter of when I could get type 2 diabetes.  Everything else in my life has felt so urgent since Aug of last year. There was a very BIG change and with that came a lot of frustration, anxiety and depression. That all pushed me back into my old habits pretty quick.  It is strange how they say eating orders come from the person wanting control in their life.  I can agree but instead of starving myself or purging after a binge, I just eat and eat and then eat some more.  I eat to try to numb the sensations I was going through. And it always works so that is why it is so easy to turn to.  Changing your eating habits can make you very cranky no matter what meal plan you are choosing to follow. Because you are no longer able to just eat whatever you want.  In May of last year if you would have asked me if I'd every be back where I am now I would have said no way!  In June I was happy but not actively pursuing my goals but maintaining my successes so far. In July things were slowly creeping back in but I was still maintaining so I convinced myself it was all ok.  But it was those stumbling blocks that I noticed and chose to leave on my path that eventually started my downfall to where I am again today.

This is the eating disorder that no one sees as an eating disorder.  I am not 60 or 600 lbs. I am over weight and feeding my feelings to numb myself to them. I believe this is what is the most common eating disorder out there. The ones of us, who love food. We love it in all it's forms. Social events are always surrounded by food. Comfort is always surrounded by food.  And when we are eating we feel that slight euphoric peace as the food takes over our pleasure censors in our brains and for that moment all is right in the world. The problem comes when that short lived feeling wears off and real life stress comes back. We either don't want to deal with it or lack to skills to deal with it so we go back to mindlessly eating. At my job this is the one thing I know I can do that helps my day feel better and go a little bit faster. I sit in a cubicle and tend to feed my face off and on for most of the day. And I can honestly say when I am dieting work gets a whole lot worse of a place to be for me.  Until I was having success then I started gaining confidence in myself and then it was those positive feelings of confidence and joy that I drew from to get through my day.

I need this SO much more for my health than anything else. As much as I want to lose weight and be thinner I am reaching the point where that is not the point of my journey anymore.  While last year I started for health the weight loss was still a driving factor, when the scale didn't go down I got all upset and frustrated. This time it has to be all about my health and increasing not just my quality of life but my quantity of life as well. I NEED this so I can provide a better life not just for me but for my family.   I was looking back at past photos and instastory post I saved during the hight of my journey and I sit back and think: I miss me.  In the first part of last year I felt more like me than I have in a VERY long time. I was more outgoing, happier, healthier and I know my hubby and kiddos enjoyed that Mommy more so than this one who has no umph to do anything after work.

Now to kick this sickness and get back to business. I have a plan and if I can get this upper respiratory flu out of our system and get back to it, very seriously. We're talking all out cutting out sugar, pop, sweets and for the first round of the 21 day fix no cheating or treats. I struggle with the desire to post every day and not posting much at all. Because I've restarted so many times in the last 7 months I feel like I should just get round one under my belt like last year and go from there. But I will determine that by this weekend.

Coke, Doritos and Peanut M&M's

FYI this is going to be a LOOOOOONG post…..

Coke, Doritos and Peanut M&M’s. today I picked these up intentionally looking forward to eating them I’ve been stressed and needed to go back to an old favorite.  

Let me tell you a story, come back in time to 2001.  I was working at a small credit union and on my way home from work one day I had a break down.  I called my parents, I still lived at home, and was sobbing saying how I can’t stand what I see in the mirror and I am sad all the time and I feel so ugly.  My parents were amazing and both came to my aid.  They asked if I was really sure I wanted their help, I said yes.  More back story for you my Dad was a body builder when I was younger and he helped my Mom get into the best shape of her life by training her.  I had been told the story a million times about when my Dad got home from his swing shift after midnight and asked my sleeping Mom if she worked out that day. When she responded no he proceeded  to make her get out of bed and work out. My Mom tells the tale of how she cried during the whole work out.  But she also always talked about how that was the best she ever felt and the best shape she was ever in.  So I knew what my parents meant by asking me if I was SURE I wanted their help.  

I weighed in at a whopping 146 lbs a whole 22 lbs over what the BMI charts say I should weigh. It was summer and my Mom started packing me low carb high protein/fat meals for breakfast and lunch. Basically allot of meats and cheeses and veggies. And I worked out with my Dad 3 days a week and did two days of cardio on my own.  I weighed in not looking at the scale. I had set up goals with prizes attached to them. Dad would keep track of my weight and just tell me what prize I got to buy when I would hit a certain weight goal. I’ll never forget when he said you should buy your new Sunglasses today it meant I hit 130!! In 3 months I lost 15 lbs, this was working out 5 days a week, eating 1200 calories a day of low carb meal plan. 5 lbs a month is all my body would do and that was 16 years ago. 

Once I hit 130 I was thrilled, I was confident, I was happy with me at that weight. I applied and got a new job at another bigger credit union in my area and that is where the Coke, Doritos and Peanut M&M’s come in. Shortly after working at this new job I realized I loved working in the drive up and they had a shift 6AM-3PM and I LOVED IT!! My first break would be right after everyone started coming in at 8AM. And I would be starving!!! There was no cafeteria and I didn’t pack lunches or breakfasts. So I would go to the break room and get those 3 things out of the Vending machine EVERYDAY!!  I quickly gained back the 15 lbs I had worked so hard to lose and in 2003 when I got married and was 145 lbs. Mind you I was still happy. I knew 15 lbs wasn’t that much to lose and I could do it. Then we enter the first few years of marriage. We ate out ALL the time and I still never packed breakfast or lunch for work. In 2002 I found out I was pregnant and I started that journey at 155 lbs and at 9 months pregnant I was 170.  After baby was born I spent the first 6 months trying to stay awake and to stay awake, I kept a bowl of Peanut M&M’s handy to munch during night time feedings. 6 short months later I found myself at 170lb, in the first 6 weeks after baby I had gotten back down to 155, all the weight I had lost was back with a vengeance. That is when I had another successful weight loss attempt. This time it was a portion control eating program w/ 2  “protein bars” (they tasted like snickers) every day.  I loved this program and lost 30 lbs on it and found myself happy at 140 lbs.

11 years later now, with baby 2 born in 2010) I am now tipping the scale at 178 lbs.   My life is busier and more hectic than ever before and today I reached for a Coke, Doritos and Peanut M&M’s.  While they were delicious, I always feel guilt when I eat that trio. It always brings me back to the girl that was only 15 lbs over weight and sobbing in her car begging for help. And I sit here with all the tools I need and cannot find it in me to make this a priority again. 11 months ago I started the 21 day fix and was shocked at my results round two brought even more results. By may I was down 20 lbs and 22 inches!! SAY WHAT!!!  While it was slower than the 5 lbs a month I was hoping for, I am older and if I could only lose 5 lbs a week when I was 16 years younger I shouldn't expect my body to still work that way right?  But it was still weight lost and muscle gain.  What happened? While I continued to work out during the summer off and on. Some MAJOR changes were coming and I would eat healthy for a week, then I would eat crap for a week or two, then healthy for another week and then right back to eating crap. Then the work outs stopped and were only once a week or once every other week. The change I was dreading took place without a hitch but while it fixed a certain problem we knew it would cause other issues. Going from Part Time to Full Time was seriously the hardest decision ever, next to having to put my Dog down that was the hardest. And I have yet to find a way to make it all fit and work.  

When I write it all down on paper it looks so great. Lose 1.25 lbs a week, get up at 5:15 in bed at 10PM. Less TV time at night to get stuff done for my family and early morning to do stuff for me.  The problem there in lies the whole getting up early.  I have NEVER and I repeat NEVER been a morning person. As a toddler I would wait awake in my crib for my Dad to come home from swing shift around midnight and then we would watch Johnny Carson together and I'd go back to bed around 1AM.  This is still my average bed time and always has been. Now I am a Mom with a night owl of my own. My oldest doesn't going to sleep before about 11 each night and we get up at 6:30 every morning for school. I have some ideas to try to help turn off his brain it is similar to what helps me. He started to journal but I think I want him to start doing a brain dump each night so he can write things down and hopefully stop thinking about them and rest.  Anyway, my point being I am the Mom who doesn't turn off Mom mode until my kids are asleep. Once they are finally asleep I start having MY chill time, Whether it be watching a show on youtube or scrolling through social media.  I always have great plans at night to conquer the world the next morning but then lack of sleep always wins out.  One day and one day soon I hope, I am going to get this all figured out! 

Preparing to be obessed

It has been forever since I have blogged!! I've just been posting on Insta stories instead of typing everything up.  So lets see I didn't finish Insanity Max 30 because I wasn't happy with the results I was getting. I was sweating my butt off, literally!!! I lost the butt I had worked hard for 4 months to get. And I also noticed my muscle definition in my legs going away too. And I was in love with the way my legs were looking.

Then I had a major change, as of August 1st I was no longer a Part Time employee. The stress hit hard. The schedule change hit hard! EVERYTHING hit hard!!  And then what does my Dr. do? She refuses to give me refills of my blood pressure meds and my anti crazy pills. Um excuse me do you realize what bad timing this is!?!?!?!  I also have never really liked who I selected as my PCP so I avoid seeing her at all costs.  My Mom recommended I go see her Dr who is at the same clinic as mine. I called to make an apt hoping to get in the next couple days and NOPE first apt was a week out. Lucky I found enough crazy pills to get me thru until I could see her and get refills, but no such luck with my BP meds.  Let me take you back to about a year ago, the last time I ran out of meds and my Dr refused to refill them w/o an apt.  I was to busy it was the start of the school year we had just moved and it was just not going to happen.  Fast forward a few months and my depression was starting to hit hard again. Hubby recommended I just go to the walk in because I needed my meds and that I could work around my schedule. At my apt at the Walk In clinic they took my blood pressure and I kid you not it was 170/100. The Dr. looked at me in shock and asked "Why is your BP so high?!?" To which I explained my Dr refused refills and life is crazy and I haven't had time to get in to see her. He then got a little mad saying well this isn't a medication that a Dr. should be refusing especially when yours is so high. (ok back to the present) Needless to say I was super nervous of what the Dr. was going to say and what my BP would be when I got there. I had been off of my BP meds for a week when my apt arrived. The nurse came and said what meds are you here to refill and I told her, she then asked me again how long I've been off of them I told her a week. She seemed a little confused and said well I guess they could consider your BP high but we'll see what the Dr. says. It was a little high 130/90 not as great as it was last earlier this month when it was like 120/84.  But I have allot of stress going on and I have white coat syndrome and always get anxiety about going to the Dr. The Dr. came in and asked me some strange questions about swelling and why else I take my BP meds (because they are just a water pill) and I confirmed to her that I had no other reason I was taking that pill other than my BP.  She then says well "I don't see any reason to keep you on them" I told her I had lost some weight and have been working out and exercising and he says "whatever you're doing it is working".  I was SO excited, words can not express how excited I was.
I am officially off my BP meds because of the changes I've made in my life! It works people it is amazing!! I am beyond thrilled!

On to the name of this post: "preparing to be obsessed" Autumn Calabrese is the creator of portion fix and the super trainer that made 21 day fix.  She has a new program coming out in January called 80 Day Obsession and it is an advanced program.  I really wanted to do it but was trying to figure out a way to prepare for it and then BAM Autumn herself announces that she is going to have a Facebook group called "Preparing to be obsessed" We will be starting with 21 Day fix then moving on to her 30 day Chisel and then 21 Day Fix extreme.  Followed by some surprises she has for us after that. I am thinking she may have a one week program coming out again or another 21 Day Fix. Because we will have like still 6-8 weeks to go before 80 Day Obsession is going to be released. So this group is 15000 people strong and there is just this feeling about doing this with so many other people that gets me excited.  When ALL of beachbody was doing Shaun Week it felt amazing! And it helped keep me going too. So this whole program starts TOMORROW!! It feels nice to know we are starting with something I am already familiar with and enjoy.  I just found out that you need a chin up bar for the Chisel work out and frankly I find that a little terrifying. LOL!!  I've got to take before pics and measurements and I am excited to see my results.  I am going to try really hard to stick to the meal plan because that is where I struggle is my food intake. Can't wait to share the results with all of you!

Stressed to the MAX!

Towards the end of last week I was in a great place. I had just about finished week two of Insanity Max 30 and had seen the scale move so dramatically I felt like finally!!!  In a matter of two weeks I managed to lose months of progress I gained 6.5 lbs and 3 inches.  IN TWO WEEKS!! It made me so mad that all my hard work that I struggle for is so easily lost. But after only 9 days of Insanity Max 30 I was down 6.3 lbs and 2.5 inches were gone again. So thank goodness for muscle memory and I am sure some of the loss was water weight but still it felt amazing to see the scale move that much. I have never lost that much weight in less than 2 weeks!

Then the weekend came I had friday off and a special date and overnight get away with the hubby so I ate really good all day and splurged on dinner and dessert. Then the next day we went to hubby's families river lot and I even packed a salad and fruit.  For dinner we did have pizza but I wasn't concerned I only ate 2 pieces and I would normally have 4. Sunday wasn't great and today was awful!  I am so stressed with the upcoming changes and PMS that I caved, I was weak and I caved and turned to food. I ate so much and now I have the guilt that comes with it and I am dreading the scale tomorrow. I get so angry at myself because I know what to do and how to do it and yet I can still get hung up on stress.  So I am back to being pissed off just enough that I hope it is enough to push me to better myself.

Maxing Out

I have been trying to figure out what step to take next. With all the change that has been going on and change that is coming I feel fully maxed out.  You know that feeling when you think you just can't take anything else on and then 10 more things fall into your lap?  That is where I am right now.

Since Shaun week I've been struggling to stick to any work out. I tried 21 Day Fix Extreme and enjoyed it for the week I did it but I lost interest pretty quickly.  I miss the way Shaun T talks during get entire work out. LOL!  But I really missed weight lifting during Shaun week. So I did a bunch of research and had made up my mind that I was going to focus on Beachbodys program Body Beast which is all about body building.  I think started remembering how frustrated I've been about not losing weight and I know gaining muscle will burn fat but it takes longer and I will probably see the scale not more much.  So while I want to gain muscle mass I decided I need something to burn some fat first.  I decided on a program that scares me and says it is for Advanced level but there is a modifier.  I have chose to do Shaun T's Insanity Max 30.  It is a 60 day program and only 30 mins a day, only 5 days a week. And I will still build muscle because they do body weight exercises to build muscle but I won't be gaining a bunch of muscle.

60 days is a long time!  I have managed to stick to the 21 day fix only 2 entire times and that was a month and a half apart. While I still did the exercises constantly I didn't follow the meal plan meaning my progress stayed still and I just maintained. The crazy thing is with everything else that is changing in my life I am like bring on more change LOL!! I mean might as well deal with it all at once right? So on Monday I start on my 60 day journey through Insanity. I am going to work on my meal plans.  I have quite the process I've started and I may share it here once it is all done but it is a little on the crazy side. I am getting very detailed into my planning because on top of job change, schedule changes & exercise program change, we are also changing our budget up ALLOT!!  So we are basically choosing to be broke for the next two years to get us to a really good place financially. This means a stricter budget and most of our over spending is to food. My goal is to figure out how much each meal cost and so when I am planning our grocery list I can literally know ok this one is going to cost us about $20 and this one $15 etc... This means I should be able to meal plan along budgeting as well. See I told you a little on the crazy side ;-)

Maxing out is going to be my life for the next 60 days with this program, budgets, changes, work. And I think doing this program will help me get through it all and see some results I've been looking for.

Stolen Joy

It's been a while since I've blogged but things kind of got super crazy.  Family emergencies, sickness, back pain, and big changes coming my way.  I hadn't worked out for two weeks due to recovering for my sprained SI joint then we had our family emergency. The first work outs I finally got in was when I started when Shaun Week on June 12th.  I completed Shaun week and felt amazing!!

What Shaun Week taught me:

1. I can do more than I thought
2. I am stronger than I thought
3. I still have some emotional stuff to work out
4. In order to achieve breakthroughs you must first be broken down

5 out of the 7 days of Shaun Week I was pushed to my breaking point and holding back tears. These work outs pushed me to my physical limits. It was like hitting mile 10 of my half marathon but after only a half hour of working out.  I think the emotions start because you know you are doing something you struggled to get through but you did it anyway. Then it makes you think of things you need to let go of and move on from.  It makes you think about everything in life and I don't know why it does that. It is just like how contestants on the biggest loser break down and start figuring out there issues.  I had had such an emotional few weeks anyways with my injury and our family emergency that these work outs were changing me. They were pushing me and while pushing me I was dealing with stuff I didn't think I still needed to deal with.

Then when Shaun week was over something happened that I have been dreading.  The full time spot opened at work that I was planning on applying for.  Keep in mind with ever fiber of my being I've always wanted to be a stay at home Mom.  I've been part time for 10 1/2 years and during that whole time plotted how to quit to be at home with my boys full time.  Well now we've found this amazing school that they both thrived at last year and to afford the tuition I need to go full time.  But applying for it brought me to a very sad place. The week after Shaun week I started the 21 Day Fix Extreme and enjoyed the work outs and was glad with my choice to push myself further physically after Shaun Week, but I ate like crap because I was in a mood about applying for full time.  I took Sunday off instead of doing Yoga and then Monday was a crap day at work which made me even more upset about apply for full time, so I took Monday off from working out.  Then Tuesday the official offer and date was set for my switch from part time to full time.  I cried all the way home.  It maybe hard for some to understand why this is so hard. I work 3 days a week part time what is 2 more days? Especially since both my boys will be in school full time next year.  While I wish that logic was enough to calm my crazy. For me this goes very deep.  Every day since my oldest was about 2 I've wanted to quit my job.  My oldest has had many issues through the years making me miss allot of work from time to time, but if I was able to get time off for like a week the issues would calm down. When I was home everything would get better for him.

For basically almost 9 years I've hoped and dreamed of the day that I would be home with my boys, keeping their schedules consistent and taking care of our home.  Going full time to me means giving up on a dream I've been fighter for for almost a decade. I have never had a dream I wanted so badly to come true, meaning I've also never had to give up on a dream this big either.  I am not good at it. I pretty much suck at it.  Everything in me has always held tight to this dream and now it feels impossible to let it go.  My joy has been stolen from me and I am trying hard to choose it every day but l haven't dealt with this yet to find the joy.  I've been in shut down mode for 3 days, not working out, eating poorly.  But tonight I felt a spark. I started getting pissed off.  Maybe it is just the anger stage of grief cause I know I've already visited, denial, bargaining and depression. There is only anger and acceptance left. But late tonight I felt that spark of anger of what this is taking from me and I realized not only was this taking my joy but it is starting to take my health.  I was falling back and quickly into old habits and starting to throw away my chance at a healthy life.

I've been so frustrated with my health journey for the last couple months because I haven't been eating right so the scale isn't moving. You can't out exercise a bad diet.  I know in my soul that my eating is the cause of this 2 month plateau because for one week I got back on track about 3 weeks ago and the scale responded immediately.  I looked back and realized it was about at that time that we had to choose to re enroll the boys in school and I told my hubby even if I have to go full time at work we will send the boys to this new school. I have been letting this steal my joy for 2 months. 2 months of progress flushed down the toilet because I let something steal my joy.  How dare I do that to myself and my family. While I am still figuring it all out, I know one thing for sure: I have to find a way to choose joy no matter what comes my way. Because in this change comes a greater good and I need to get my crap together and deal with it somehow.

And so I ran!

This last week has been not a good week.  2 days in the hospital, 1 call to 911 after home from hospital, 1 trip to urgent care and a bad back.  See my Dad had a stroke and his is not that old and all his numbers for normal causes of stroke were all good. So after 2 days in the hospital he was released and told how lucky he was because of how mild his reactions to the stroke was. Then just the day after he was released he had some of the symptoms that the Dr told him to watch out for so we had to call 911.  I am a Daddy's girl always have been always will be. So this happening hit me hard.  My stress level shot thru the roof and my anxiety was constantly on edge. Then my son crashed his bike and thought he broke his arm so we rushed him to the urgent care, thankfully it was not broken.  And for the last month I've been suffering from back pain. I sprang my SI joint on my left side and I wasn't even working out when it happened I was goofing off dancing.  Anyways after 2 1/2 weeks of no work outs, Dr's orders, I was finally was pain free. I started working again last Monday out only to have the pain start to come back a few days later by the end of this week. I was so exasperated I told hubby I need to do something like run.  I told myself I don't run anymore and maybe I should just do a work out my back was feeling pretty good by this time but I couldn't get running out of my head. So I laced up and told hubby I was going to run on the treadmill.

So many thoughts went through my mind while trying to decide what to do on said treadmill. I thought about how when I tried to start the C25K again a few months back it was hard again to run for 60 seconds.  I haven't ran in 2 years and it has been 3 years since I did the C25K originally.  I looked at my C25K sheet and contemplated doing Week1 Day1 again.  But I was looking for a runners high, I needed it and I knew what it takes for me to get there.  I would always get one after really pushing myself and so I ran.  I turned on my music and ran. I checked out mentally and just let my feet and legs keep moving.  I alternated between 4 and 5 MPH but never slowed to a walk.  I did a mile in under 14 mins which for me is huge.  And I didn't stop I kept going. 25 minutes total including a minute cool down.  I ran for 24 minutes non stop.  The last time I did that was 3 years ago when I hit the week of my C25K program where it made me run for 20 minutes.  It felt good. It felt good to think that somehow I did that with out any C25K training. While I am still not fast I think I may just start doing 25 mins on the treadmill a few times a week and who knows with time I may get faster.  I have to complete my first Run Disney virtual 5K this month too. The pride and release I found from that little run was so amazing.  

This morning my heart dropped as I could hardly get out of bed. My sciatic is in so much pain I was limping around all day icing it and hardly able to move around. This has nothing to do with my sprang SI joint on the other side.  I just want to be able to work daily again. This next week starts Shaun Week on Beachbody on demand and I have a small group I am doing it with and I am afraid I am not going to be able to do it. Praying that tomorrow I am feeling much better. But yes this week sucked and I have still not quite emotionally recovered but that run did help and even more so than the run was just the fact that I did something I haven't done it 3 years and something just 5 minutes before I had deemed not possible.  You can do so much more that you think you can.